There has been worse, however a burn is a burn and while they vary in magnitude, they do not vary in the fact that they do burn and, little or large, they do hurt.
After much naval gazing on the matters of the heart, I’ve concluded that I am a hopeless, incurable romantic. Worse still (or better yet, depending on one’s point of view) I possess a stubborn, innate, naïve trust in such matters that heartbreak hasn’t yet eroded away.
Case in point: I rather fancied someone, more so than I’d care to admit. So when they said that they were definitely* interested – well, I believed them. I continued to believe them, despite dates being postponed and cancelled and excruciating long periods of silence. Doubting myself and the situation (and knowing that I can have an intimidating effect**) I rather cunningly asked, when the conversation strayed that way, I don’t intimidate you, do I? No, not at all came the response. Once again, in my rose tinted, naïve trust, I believed them. Well, now they have no inclination whatsoever of continuing their interest in me. I’ve firmly been put in the pile of discarded hearts.
I won’t lie to you, I feel a bit crushed.
My initial reaction was some sort of mild shock and cause to turn to the usual self-inflicted bellicose torrent of doubt. Despite all their assertions to the contrary, maybe they were never interested at all? Maybe their words were whimsical and careless? Curse my naïve trust.
My reaction now is like a weeble that has bounced back belting out I will survive.
Cue Lizzie Fact #8 and realisation.
Hopeless romantic? Yes. Helpless romantic? No.
As a teenager I read an interview with Hugh Grant which had a big impact on me. When asked why he hadn’t yet settled down, Hugh commented that he had watched friends settle for the sake of settling once they hit a certain age instead of settling because they truly believed that they would be happy. As a result these friends were not as happy as they thought they would be and Hugh saw no need to rush and end up doing the same.
I read these words, contemplated and chewed them over and in the end came to a realisation which has since been backed up by observation and experience: pursuing relationships that have crippling faults, clinging to hypothetical situations and possibilities that will never eventuate in reality, settling for the sake of settling, do not guarantee in happiness. Similarly, allowing your happiness to be reliant on someone else will not guarantee happiness. Precious Illusions by Alanis Morissette captured the essence of this for me. Ultimately, you are the one that is in control of your happiness and circumstances surrounding it.
These realisations brought about, and continues to bring, an amazing amount of freedom. If something isn’t jiving then that is the precise time you need to look at the situation with both your heart and head. If it’s not working then you can chose to get the hell out of dodge. Take the responsibility that is innately yours and say to yourself: you know what? I can see that this situation is rubbish and I choose to change it so that it’s better. Sometimes this can be simple; sometimes it can be as difficult as ending a relationship.
In my case, on this specific occasion, I chose to look at the situation like this: I ended up pursuing a path that resulted in a dead end. All that means is I now have the opportunity to wander another path and possibly one with no dead end at all. I could chose to sit and continue to feel sorry for myself but I’d rather walk away completely*** and believe that the universe has something better in store for me. So, like Bonnie Tyler, I’m back to looking for a Hero.
* Not a mistake on my part: I had it in black and white. Well until I did have it, until I deleted the message in a fit of catharsis.
** I sincerely do not know why. Maybe because I don’t easily resort to the archetype of a girl that can be easily wooed? Therefore having an effect of requiring work and effort on the part of the wooer which then results in a sense of intimidation when faced with aforementioned work and effort? It’s a theory…
*** I do mean completely. Half measures do not result in a total change.